Archive for December, 2005

Bangalored II – The land of the lost…

December 30, 2005

Greetings weary traveller.

If you are reading this, then by all means, i am still bangalored, awaiting my sentencing.
In the times that have passed, authorities have confirmed that they want me to stay here and get lost, both at the same time…

The poor downtrodden soul, accused of treating objects like women. Oh what greater shame can there possibly be? Unable to walk down the streets for fear of being assaulted by some woman hating woman in a bad mood looking for an unsuspecting soul to pounce on…

Never-never-mind. Theres an old chinese proverb:
Q: How do you keep a software engineer waiting?
A: I'll tell you on monday.

Yes. This is one of the unwritten laws of the industrious workforce that binds us all together. Its like the centripetal/centrifugal force , or put in simpler terms, its like in the movies where the lead lady says, "I love you, but I have to go…".

i.e. Total crap… So our hero end up in the same location, only almost disowned by his so-far generous hosts, that provide him the basic necessities, i.e. a roof over his head, electricity, hot and cold running water, a laundromat, cable television, a telephone, a comfy king size bed with a blanket and two sheets, coffee/tea/a kettle, a Pizza parlour with room delivery, room service, housekeeping, LAN/Internet connectivity, cycles, and a peaceful nights sleep.

Ahh, the basic necessities of life. What would one do without them… especially in bangalore!!

It just so happens that after our hero is assured that he has to stay put, there is joyous celebration around the world, infact his own group from down south was so happy about it, that they organized a getaway tour on the weekend and got-away on the weekend. Another group, called for a group photo, hearing the wonderful news of our hero's sticky situation.

Bringing us to more recent events.

Scientists have discovered a new lingo-grammatical strain of the previously undiagnosed mad cow disease that causes violent out breaks, unheard-till-now foul language, high levels of charge,buzzing(Ctrl-G) every few seconds and most of all, plain b-yatch-iness in the fairer sex . They have termed this strain as the full stop, or simply the . .

Now the symptoms for this are not easily noticable, they say. We have been through so much abuse that its hard to tell the difference between ppl who are suffering from this grammatical disorder, or who just enjoy being plain nasty to others all day long.

Scientists have been working for months to come up with a cure for the innocent bystanders that are affected by the constant explosions of rage and terror. They called their invention the 'Year-Plug'.

This year plug is made from a variety of materials and offers sufficient protection from the evil verbal abuse and insults that may flow your way.

When using the revolutionary 'Year-Plug', all obscene language is automagically filtered out !

Guy: Hi, may I know the time please?
Ans: No you may not , you worthless s** of a *****, why don't you ****** to the ***** you came from and find some other ***** to bother…. Hmmmph! Men!

These scientists have won a million dollar grant from the university of Middlesex, to continue research into this mysterious grammatical flaw.
They have found that , similar to the atomic theory of too many protons and neutrons spoil the pie, a single . every now and then is managable.

eg: Hi! how are you? Im fine.

but, in cases of grammatical addiction, the results can be fatal.

eg: hi . why you little $%^&* . #@$@ . go to #$# . …… :p

This example is classified as a 9 on the Vector scale. 9 = If you encounter one of these, you are probably dead by now…

But, what can i say, I'm in bangalore now . hee hee hee
~tta

The 12 Days of Christmas…

December 25, 2005

On the 1st day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me, a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 2nd day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me, a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 3rd day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me, no more stay in the ECC,
a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 4th day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me, a pain in my tummy,
no more stay in the ECC,
a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 5th day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me,a birthday boy with a short memory,
a pain in my tummy,
no more stay in the ECC,
a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 6th day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me,a reply to me Ayehdee,
a birthday boy with a short memory,
a pain in my tummy,
no more stay in the ECC,
a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 7th day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me,full access to KEC,
a reply to me Ayehdee,
a birthday boy with a short memory,
a pain in my tummy,
no more stay in the ECC,
a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 8th day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me,a wipeout pure UMD,
full access to KEC,
a reply to me Ayehdee,
a birthday boy with a short memory,
a pain in my tummy,
no more stay in the ECC,
a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 9th day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me,a gift coupon worth 250/-,
a wipeout pure UMD,
full access to KEC,
a reply to me Ayehdee,
a birthday boy with a short memory,
a pain in my tummy,
no more stay in the ECC,
a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 10th day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me, directions to the BB,
a gift coupon worth 250/-,
a wipeout pure UMD,
full access to KEC,
a reply to me Ayehdee,
a birthday boy with a short memory,
a pain in my tummy,
no more stay in the ECC,
a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 11th day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me, an invitation to high tea,
directions to the BB,
a gift coupon worth 250/-,
a wipeout pure UMD,
full access to KEC,
a reply to me Ayehdee,
a birthday boy with a short memory,
a pain in my tummy,
no more stay in the ECC,
a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

On the 12th day of X'mas,my dear friends sent to me, seasons greetings for free,
an invitation to high tea,
directions to the BB,
a gift coupon worth 250/-,
a wipeout pure UMD,
full access to KEC,
a reply to me Ayehdee,
a birthday boy with a short memory,
a pain in my tummy,
no more stay in the ECC,
a project in electronics city,
and a friend with a limited vocabulary…

Merry Christmas Everyone….

~tta

meta morph osis?

December 20, 2005

Yes…

It all starts with this. It's inevitable. Its what drives us humble caterpillars out of our skins (literally) and drives us to perform more than what we thought we could. And to who do we owe this great honour of being the driving force? The fairer sex of course!

Take the case of this poor humble cat(rpillr) who was sitting at home one night minding his own business, when he gets an im… from a seemingly innocent stranger.
(This seemingly innocent stranger happens to be high on banned substances on a dieters list…)

>> do you or do you not happen to know a mr . X
> so you claim to know this mr. X and do not deny that you don't know him…
> right. and what do you knw about metamorphosis?
> and in your confession of knowing this mr. X, do you deny not knowing him well enough to be responsible for his actions?
> So… our reports say, that this mr. X who you seem to know so well was involved in the staging of a corporate shenanigan , a meta morphosis of sort. Would you have any part to play in it ?
> So… u didn't do anything to stop it , did you?
> And you certainly weren't a part of it, now were you?
> Yes , Yes, im sure you were. Well , its because, this boat of mine, a B-yatch, was very adamant on proving to me that this corporate event was a grand slam when i came to the fashion scene.
> aha. So you dont deny having a part to play in the shenanigan. Mind you, i'l have that pesky B-yatch hunt you down so fast that .. that ….! That pesky B-yatch is always trespassing into international waters without a permit. Even our repeated warnings from the coast guard have not dissuaded they pesky B-yatch from keeping its nose out of other peoples business.
> ::shreiks:: how the f*** did you know that the p€$ky B-Yatch was from there ?Answer me ! now!
>> i think its better you answer, the B-Yatch is trying to bite off my ear lobes!
> aha.. so u checking out the mallu profiles eh?
> what ! why you objectivist! I object your honour. object oriented programming my foot. How dare you. Treating me like this….
> hmmmph. Men
> higher pitch hmmmph
>> even higher pitch hmmmph. Men
> Hmmmm. Objection overruled.
> So you dont deny that these so called 'objects' are moderately attractive?
> No… not in our case.. here we get dressed up to attract other female cats. You see, we are plebians..
> eggzactly!

court recorder please note, the inhabitants of that institution are dressing up for their own courtship/courtmarshall rituals and are not to be confused with normal social aspects of life.

By now the B-yatch toots its horn pleading to be left out of the converstation.

Yes, now where was I . Oh yes metamorphosis. The changes that take place in every caterpillars life, to attract one of the same/opposite sex 😉 . Knowing that there are lady caterpillars at home driving them nuts with their three phrase limited vocabularies and badgering them on how they knew they were from kottayam , it doesn't surprise me that the usual eat+drink+watch tv+sleep couch potato caterpillar struggles,sprouts wings and leaves the headache at home!!!!

In a way, we are all driven by that badgering B-yatch thats constantly tooting its horns pushing us to excel ( and rake in more money in the bargain… ) .

Come to think of it, where would we be if not for them? Eating mulberry leaves, sipping nectar and relaxing in from of the tube… till we were 50….

Naah. This Cat is flight ready…. Like they say. The butterflies are always greener on the other side.

Adios.
~ muahahahah!

P.s. Thanks a lot to the devil and the boat ( B-Yatch ) for an interesting discussion…

For want of the net…. Dear Santa…

December 16, 2005

Our hero enjoyed high speed blessings for the past month.
In fact, blessings straight from the gods….

There's an old saying, seek and you shall find. Well our hero, sought, and he found.
The end result? A broader than usual band. Well all that came to an end recently when our hero felt like a fish out of water, out from the frying pan and into the fire.

After enjoying the best of the best, our hero found himself strapped for air, the last 24 hours, trapped in his captors intranets. Struck with claustrophobia, our hero considered banging the 15" Dell TFT on his head to ease the suffering.

Our hero prays,

Oh mentor,
please give me unlimited access…
to the body of knowledge…

within minutes he gets his reply…
Approved!

In his moment of joy, he remembers that he needs higher approval , and proceeds to pray to the meta-mentor!

Oh meta-mentor!
Do grant this wish!

within minutes , he gets this reply.
Approved!

Woo hoo! Our hero is overjoyed! He can breathe again. He proceeds to fill out an Ayehdee!

For the uninitiated, an Ayehdee is like a letter to santa claus. You want something bad enough, you write a letter to him , and start praying that he grants your wish.

So our hero sends an Ayehdee for in high hopes that his wish will be granted. Some time later, he gets a call…

Elf: Hi, i see you have written a letter to santa wishing for something that you are too young to get?
hero: yes, thats right… The gods have spoken , so please grant me the unthinkable gift.
Elf: Well , i would , but you see, you are from the south, so you need to contact the local north pole, not the global north pole.
hero: but .. but… but.. im at the global north pole now!!
Elf: Well… Hmm… aaah… Ok, in that case…. ok, you can't get it because…. because… hmm.. wel… because, .. ya , because your mail id was made in Tvm! Yes, thats it..! You need a mail id from the north pole! So please ask god to transfer your mail id to the north pole!!

Hero: … umm.. ok .. north pole .. mail .. transfer.

–> Our hero proceeds to write another letter to Santa, Ayehdee #2. Dear santa, please get me a north pole mail id!!

Hero enters an unlimited wait state…

0x2000 NOP
0x2001 JMP
0x2002 00
0x2003 20

By 5:00 p.m. that evening, our hero is distraught. He hasnt got his first wish granted, and is no closer to getting his second wish granted!!!

He decides to add a comment in the Ayehdee to santa, and expresses his excitement, hoping for speedy action.

The next morning, our hero arrives at work as usual and is dumbstruck to find himself greeted with less priviliges than a fresh inmate to tihar jail. Not only doesn't he have access during the privileged hours, he cannot access during the normal grace period ( 7-9 am , 5-7 pm!!) …

The next 8 hours are like solitary for our hero… He quickly calls up the CCD helpline ( Cardiac Care Department ) …

Heelp, im having a card-iac arrest… I cant breathe, im trapped on the intranet!! Heelo..

CCD: Hi, we cant help you till Santa grants your wishes. Now if you were a 'special case' like a senior person, or a return traveller, i could hook you up with something, or….. if you had some kind of approval from the gods…

Come 5:00 pm the same day, our hero still has no room to breathe and goes completely mad…

———————————————————————————————–

Yes , dear readers, mad people can get madder… if exposed to the right conditions…

Our hero plans to see just how long his Ayehdee can go unanswered …. he is going to expose the full power of the CCD's SLA….

With net on the phones, net on the pdas, net on the laptops, net on the PSP's , net on the gizmondo GPS's , net on the Treo 650, net in the villages, net on airplanes, net on ships, why should it be so damned hard for us to get it ???

TTA
Still disconnected.

The case of the Bad S*******

December 10, 2005

There are two kinds of S******. Good S****** and bad S****** . Now noobody wants to be stuck with the bad S******.

T'was the yeat 2003, and all throughout the campus
everyone was stirring, making a rumpus

stalls were set up,displaying their wares
some were crowded some were bare

computer makers tried their best
to capture our attention, and convince the rest

One soul in particular seemed to be drawn,
into the web of mystery, that AMD hath spawn

all his ideas, fantasies and rest
were driven to the ground by a friend, his best

Dont buy AMD, he said with a smirk,
they are made with bad silicon, or so i've heard….

I happened to be an unfortunate bystander at CUSAT for an IT Fest during which this incident took place…. ! Being an avid AMD supporter , i knew that people were only drawn to intel b'cos of its marketing gimmicks. True the pentium was a great microprocessor. But thats not true for Pentium the 4th.

Some of the other DBA (Dont buy AMD) humour that i have had to put up with…
1. Dont buy AMD, i've heard it gets very hot!!!
2. Dont buy AMD, i've heard the processor becomes slower after some use
3. Dont buy AMD, the semiconductor used it of lower quality.
4. Dont buy AMD, they need an extra fan to work

And finally, the one that takes the cake… Dell's response on why it wasn't selling AMD based PC's: Dell is constantly evaluating new technologies and at the present time, we don't have AMD processor-based systems in our portfolio

(In english, it goes something like this….)
We didn't think that AMD would kick Intel/our butts so hard. We are really sorry for not opening our eyes and realizing that AMD rules. We are really sorry, and will stop using Intel.

Hmmm. Now all that remains is the worm in the Apple. Apples are going to feature Intel's inside Talk about misled intentions? Well, Steve Jobs was kicked out of his company once. Who's to say it wont happen again! Stevee.. Are you listening. Go with the flow man.

This reminds me of the F*** man , i.e. A*** from Shaajah! (Spelling is intentional). After educating him on the Intel/AMD scene and showing him some benchmarks of the AthlonXP kicking the P4's ass, he went out and did the only logical thing. i.e. He bought a P4.

The story continues 🙂 , cries/screaming could be heard from his house, when his Pentium Generation 4, would crash royally on opening Winamp , and he the best he could play was Road Rash!

If i remember correctly, isn't it the global giant Intel that once made a processor ( the pentium ) that would show 4/2 = 1.99…. 🙂

In my closing arguments, i would like to nail the lid shut on intels dominance of the Desktop processing world . Do take the time to go through this article!!!

Yes folks. For intel, the end is near…..