Archive for February, 2006

Vis-a-Vis

February 9, 2006

Uncle Sam is calling! … And so our hero jumps on the bandwagon and proceeds towards the light, where the grass is always greener, and the ladies daintier (proven by documented evidence 🙂 ) …
He travels not by an airbus, but something much more powerful, comfortable and much cooler.

With a rear-mounted, 6-cylinder,7-litre diesel engine, capable of 260 bhp @ 2200 rpm, 6-speed manual, fully synchronised gearbox …

7 hours later our hero is travelling across town whilst his generous host awaits at the terminus. Only the wrong terminus… After finding his way to the right terminus, our hero is escorted home…

Where the grass is greener:

Our hero rests a day and figures out the his Jukebox doesn't like the voltages on the other side, and refuses to turn on. Within minutes, an autopsy reveals the internals of the once famous jukejam. After several failed attempts to defibrillate the dying device, our hero lets it rest till it returns to its homeland.

All importance is given to the PSP, who reigns supreme in this land. It has white earphones too!

'The day after tomorrow' would be the day after the eventful event and would turn out to be too late. So the next day, our hero proceeds to the place where no man has gone before* (*= without an appointment) . Reaching the entrance, he is questioned why his p******* is significantly shorter than others! Without an answer, our hero, proceeds into the inner chasms of the castle.

Inside, he is greeted by endless lines, and long rows of chairs. He becomes a sitter, a face in the crowd. Minutes later, his fingerprints are scanned and he is sent back to the drawing board for more waiting.

Mera number aayega..

About 30 minutes later, he hears his number called out! A pretty young lady gives him a 3 second preview scan and asks the first question for a thousand rupees. "So how long have you been working for __________ " . Our hero wonders.. 'being the first question, it couldn't be a trickie.. , and proceeds to answer.. 1.5 years… !! Woo hoo, now on to the second question, What are you coming to the other side for? Our hero answers this also without blinking an eyelid. …
The third question , "When are you planning to have kids?" … eeeks… ok.. our hero was not asked that question .. so may it be stricken from the records …

The third question asked to him is how long he plans to work on the other side… He answers looks down, and is sent aside like a batsman dismissed before he starts his game. He is ushered to another counter, where he is made to pay the price … the price for being granted what the world seeks … a non immigrant classification used by aliens in specialty occupations….

After paying the price, our hero leaves the scene of the crime and is intercepted by an chauffer whose primary interest is the status of our hero's alienation. He refuses to budge till he is informed of the status… Sharing in our hero's joy, he proceeds to direct the limo in a general direction and proclaims 'How much!!!' 'How much!!!' … Confused , our hero asks him 'How much!!!' this happy news is going to cost him. 'Whaat how much!! One lakh.. Two lakh… How much!! ' comes his reply. Our hero quickly proceeds to jump out of this one track minded one way limo and sets out on foot, listening to the blessings of the disgruntled limo driver….

A day passes by, and its time for our hero to return to the side from which he came, by the similar means… As he somehow finds his way to the platform 3 , which is somewhere in between 1,2,4,5,9 ( and after walking around in circles ) , he discovers, that his medium of transport has departed without him.

What follows is a close rendition of what ashok amritraj pulls off in Octopussy. Our hero travels by a bus till the main intersection , and whisks away in a high speed turbo charged autorickshaw, chasing through traffic, zig zagging around vehicles like no 3 wheeler has gone before… . Then they stop and give up chase, as they saw the omnibus, travelling past the horizon. Dismayed, they turn back and proceed homeward . A little while later, the autoracer notices that indeed there is another airbus hovering about the horizon , in wait for us, and proceeds back towards it, more fervently than before, with turns that would put a pulsar to shame…

On the omnibus finally, our hero proceeds to try and get some rest after the excitement dies down.

0400 hours, our hero opens his eyes, and he sees people disembarking the craft. On further enquiry, he discovers that he has arrived at his destination, a bit further than he should have de planed….

Another autoracer ride later, he is back at home and proceeds to eat the food of the gods, 'What it eez!' , the perfect early morning snack…

Our hero now has alien status in a specialty occupation and can be deported at any time…

till then eh?

~tta

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