Archive for November, 2007

Probable cause…

November 18, 2007

The following is in weaselese and is meant to be unintelligible to the common man.

I senor Engr.  TTA, being of pretty well sounding mind, and not so well sound, but round body hereby  decree this as my first will and testimonial.

Of the 9 lives, careful calculations have been performed and have been able to precisely pinpoint probable causes of loss of one or more of these lives. The following are in no particular order and just serve as a reference probability statistical index of weighted means.

Cause of death 1 : Bludgeoned by common man due to lack of replayability of recorded MMS on mobile phone
Probability:     1:500000
Use Case:    As we all know, MMS maketh the man. And the man who spendeth his hard earned money on an MMS capable phone jolly well hopes that it can record and play videos. If it cannot playeth what someone hath recordeth than it might lead to my deth! Poor man buys phone. Poor man receives MMS. Poor mans phone refuses to play MMS, suffers memory leak, and phone shuts down. Poor man uses memory leak + battery as a weapon to assualt and batter TTA.

Cause of death 2 : Voice recorder on mobile phone is not certified to meet standards
Probability:  1:1500000000
Use Case:    Not that someone would care that their voice was being modulated by a non standard compliant recording source? Voice recordings suffer from inferiority complex since their creator did not pause and resume at the right time, and flushed a buffer that was to be marked.

Cause of death 3: Death by conformance
Probability:  5:28
Highly painful way to go. Comes up right on top, with Cancer and TB? Similar to chaining people in salt mines, and expecting diamonds to turn up.

Cause of death 4: Death by encoding
Probability:  1:28
Not as bad as COD3 , but still not a pretty way to go. Subject is made to trasmorgrify one format to another for the evil please of the encoding gods and goddesses.

Cause of death 5: Death by depreciation
Probability:   2:365
Highly probable, as the subject is exposed to fatal dosage of depreciation and there exists no known cure for this continuous process of disempowerment. Happens usually twice a year, and sole purpose is usually to brainwash subject to believe that its a upsizing miracle that they still exist, and that furniture is more valuable and deserves more respect.

Cause of death 6: Death by hidden agenda
Probability:    1:1024
Use Case:    A very strange and painful way to go. The subject is tortured and accused of having a hidden agenda regardless of what he knows, doesn’t know, or claims to know. Usually confusing to bystanders, since it does not make much sense; but thats the magic of it.
e.g.:
A: May I have a drink of water please?
B: Ah ha! I knew it. You are conspiring against me with the water. You have something so sinister planned, its a shame. I always knew you were an underhanded weasel plotting for the downfall of the empire! What is this hidden agenda you seem to have ? You really need to be more open in your communication. You cannot slip such things by me! Misinformation will get you nowhere!
A: No, actually, i just wanted a drink of water.

Cause of death 7: Death by confusion of laws of robotics
Probability:    1:3
Use  Case: Controller of robot, gives robot illogical commands regarding immutable logic.
1. If the robot finishes its work, it may come and go as it pleases
2. If the robot finishes its work, it should stay and help other robots
3. If the robot finishes its work, it may do so as it likes
4. If the robot finishes its work, is should not do so as it likes, it should ask for more work!
A very painful way to go. No logical way out of this.

Cause of death 8: Death by lack of commitment/age
Probability:    1:14
Use Case: Accuse prisoner of not having enough commitment in prison tasks, especially since the prisoner does not have any extra/marital commitments and age, or prison term served is a positive integer. Usually no way of denying immutable logic that age of the prisoner is a positive integer/real number.

Cause of death 9: Black email
Probability: 1:4
Use Case: State a totally unrelated fact, and use that as the basis of your explanation to win an argument without giving the other party a chance to respond.
e.g. Today is a thursday, and the next 3 days are friday, saturday and sunday, and the sky is blue, therefore you must comply or accept that it is a breach of protocol to deny that the 3 days following thursday are indeed friday, saturday and sunday.

Cause of death 10: Sudden loss of communication and reasoning skills ,and then memory
Probability: 1:5
Use Case:    Prefix any request, no matter how sadistic, with  , “Come on, It’ s not like we ask/expect you to …. every day” , and modulate ones voice to sound constipated.
e.g.: … donate a kidney …
…. sell a limb ….
…. work a long weekend, and forget the week existed ….

Cause of death 11: Pin the “tale” on the engineer
Probability:  1:7
Use Case: Since access to confidential records are usually … well confidential, pin as much as possible to the stool pigeon under you. It will go on his/her permanent record, and you are scott free. After all , no one asks an enlisted mans opinion on matters concerning any real importance, so its like sweping all your dust under his carpet. Use lots of complicated sounding words to make it sound like an official breach of military law that deserves nothing less than execution by cruciatus curse.
eg: “Inspite of being aware of the pressurization protocols of the clean room, he disobeyed a direct order and single handedly caused a semi-autonomous, convulsive expulsion of air from the aerodynamic cavity causing the dispersion of viral particles in the general atmosphere…” ( in laymans terms, he sneezed )

Cause of death 12: Lack of commitment to overwork.
Probability: 1:10
Use Case: Accuse the induhvidual of not working enough overtime. In case he/she has actually worked overtime , accuse them of only having worked enough overtime that can be counted on the appendages of the human body.

Cause of death 13: Its all a part of the job
Probability:  1:4
Use  Case: Confront a recruit who has performed a great service to mankind, and accuse him of being a glory monger, and blame him for the situation in the first place, and say, its all part of the job.
eg: Sergeant, if it weren’t for your carelessness in stepping on the enemy landmine, before the rest of the troops got there , we wouldn’t have to pitch in to replace the one that you detonated. Its coming out of your paycheck. Medal ? Didn’t you know? Stepping on landmines is part of your job!

Cause of death 14: A cute cardio ectopic dyslexia
Probability: 1:3
Use Case:  The cardiac muscle that never learns from its mistakes,  and keeps taking a beating, following the reactions caused by a cute ectopic neighbour, causing to skip one too many beats. Of course, this cardio muscle is not a juvenile, but it lacks the experience and bank balance of the fancier, more eligible donor hearts. Probably why good working cardio tissue is so hard to find a match for.

….

more causes of death expected in a week.

24 hours ago…

November 3, 2007

Fast asleep, someone knocked on the door, not to meet me, i continued to snore

15 seconds of fame! i thought i saw, my fortune telling skills , on sandman’s friends paw!

breakfast is served, a familiar voice said, i gobbled down my puttu, and i was well fed!

checked on my email, let down a friend 😦 , no movie for you, you have to spend!

Spent time in banks, not my own money, watched a stadium , it wasn’t funny

Lunch was a treat, but eaten alone, like a non dairy , cheese filled calzone.

Visited a lady, who convinced me to lend, a chunk of my salary, for my family to spend

Insured my future, i set off to find, her majesty’s library, light for the blind!

set off to conquer, the omlette that is fruity, the indian coffee house, certainly, did its duty!

Kimo is company, on the way home, a detour to a stadium, the collesium of rome!

Cow’s mom and sister, and lately the lady, are all other bookies, at the stady(ium)

Frank abagnale junior, is my dear friend, walks me home, right till the end

A call on the way, enquires , how things are going, Not the same, i just wasn’t glowing

Back home, theres an emergency, though in pakistan, Spice girls make a comeback , now that makes me yawn!

The toss will be made, by just one team? , will the match be made? it waits to be seen!

Cocos owner, sends me her wishes, in the midst im sure, of cleaning thier dishes

thank you Coco, and thank your owner, the first email ensures , that this day is no downer!

Jayalakshmi, the shop, heres a piece of advice, start selling gowns, or it wont look nice!

Sari’s suit people, some better than others, but men dressed like clowns, now thats a wacky brother!

on to the stock martket, im off to fiddle, with passports that are switches, ready for me to meddle

cheers!

Disclaimer:

Indian Coffee house is no Lounge 47, in Queens, but comes a close 2nd
Uncles cannot celebrate every birthday in style at Lounge 47
Nephews might not be available for these afore mentioned parties!